Sunday, June 2, 2013

Have been alone

I have been alone on dark, deep nights when I believed that no one would love me. Have been alone on deep, dark nights when all I knew was that I would cease to be, yet still I was. Have been alone when you held me.

I saw a flash of colour, a multicoloured bird, we stopped and looked, but it was quickly gone. I saw a flash of life in the green trees, we stopped and looked, but it did not wait for us to see it.

I drank and smoked and drank and smoked and drank and smoked.

I know all I want to do is die, all I want to do is meet my end, all I want to do is be no more. What is in it? What is in your dark, deep dream you do not share? What is in your deep, dark dream you do not tell anyone about, lest you should have to say there is nothing in it, just endless tears and trackless routes into nothing worth recalling.

What if you set off tomorrow and did not come back? Would you not just be where you are right now, endlessly spinning on your own axis, failing to be anywhere but where you are?

I am in a rage when you will not kiss me. I am in a rage when you cannot see me. I am in a rage when you are not with me.

Rage is not worth anything. Rage does not resolve anything. It is like a drug that does not get you high. It is like a dream that has no form, an endless roiling nightmare of sea and broken fears.

I have been tender but did not mean it. Have been in love but did not feel it. Have found my love but did not believe it. Have been alone and nowhere near it.

I saw a man who did not recognise me. Walked right be and did not see me. I heard a voice and it said nothing. Heard your voice and then I knew it. You whispered something, I could not hear it. Have been alone and nowhere's in it.

I am afraid of dying, afraid of living, afraid of taking what you're giving. Come on and kiss me, what harm's in it, don't pretend you didn't like it, you are the only thing I'm missing.

Who are you fooling?

I fear judgement because I'm judging. I need love because I'm hurting. I have nothing to give you or anyone.

Sometimes, lonely in a quiet night, a gentle night, an endless night; sometimes, sleepless in a foreign prison, watching the walls dissolve, enprismed; sometimes, I believe this will be the last breath before there isn't, then I hear the birds and it is morning. Have been alone a minute before dawn.

I don't have an answer, you didn't ask a question. You didn't care, who are you fooling? Do you think about me? Have been alone when you didn't know me.

I have been tender but it went to waste. Have been disgraced.

I know it will end in tears.

I have loved you but it meant nothing.

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