Thursday, June 3, 2010

Missing

I do not think that missing one dose of tryptophan makes me susceptible to depression, but I do think realising I have breaks the placebo element of it.

So I negotiated a difficult conversation that shouldn't have been difficult but left me wondering where I stand, and I reached for the fortitude, the resilience I've built, so that I could just not care. But it was lacking and I knew that that was because I knew I had missed my tryptophan last night.

It is like a pit opens up and I have no idea what should be filling it. When I feel loved, I know it isn't there. But sometimes I feel like I cannot be loved, because there is no me for them to find.

I know we are empty, confused by the echoes in the space within us into thinking that we can be filled. I know that but I can't stop wanting to be complete.

***

Sometimes I wish I had a friend to tell me, don't be so emo. And then I realise that I am that friend. The world can be dishonest and brutal, and I can be too, but I don't need to be dishonest or brutal with myself. I can hold myself tightly and cease to be anything but the flickers of light that you see in the broken pieces of me that we are pretending is a man.

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