Tuesday, January 12, 2010

I am manic

I am manic and I don't know why. I feel like I have been filled with petrol. What a pity I have nowhere to go! Still, it feels good to feel the blood in my veins, and I can, I can feel it slooshing round, smashing against the walls.

I am manic and this is the time, if you ever want something from me, to ask for it. I have stopped caring about money, time and everything else but how much I love you, and if I have any love at all for you, you will find me willing to express it in money, time and everything.

I am manic and sometimes I wonder, is this really me? Am I really a coin with two sides? Because believe you me, I can be a pain in the arse, and I can drag along the bottom of it, but other times, I soar, and I can believe in a life on the wing.

I am manic and everything is possible. I have known times when everything is possible and that is hard to live through, but sailing downhill at a million miles an hour is easy.

Tomorrow it will all be gone. I will be a shell of who I am, clinging on to life by my fingertips, and every time I am manic I try to have love for that shell and make him feel loved. I make plans for him; I store up goodwill for him; I send him messages like this to remind him that we can fly. Buddy, we can fly!

I am manic and I know there is a price to pay. I don't care. It is like love you know has to end. Do you mourn it? Do you try to cling onto the kisses, savour the caresses, stretch it out in your memory until it it overwhelms you? Or do you simply say, I am loved and that is all there is to say about that? Well, sometimes we do. Sometimes we are saying, I cannot love you truly because I am bent on memorialising you. But sometimes we just breathe it in, let it be the perfume in the air that sustains us, live and then it is gone and all we know is that it once was and now is no more.


Blogger Father Luke said...

All I want is to know you are there. Somehow, that's enough. And I'm glad.

- -
Father Luke

January 13, 2010 at 3:09 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Statistically a Manic depressive is more likely to commit suicide when they are on a high.

January 13, 2010 at 11:17 AM  
Blogger Dr Zen said...

Thanks for the encouraging words but I intend to stay alive long enough to find happiness so that I can spite you.

January 13, 2010 at 11:19 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

LOL there you go I give you a reason to live.

January 13, 2010 at 2:13 PM  
Blogger Looney said...

I never understand people who hang about just to tear someone else down...

January 16, 2010 at 3:48 AM  
Blogger Dr Zen said...

I don't mind it at all. It's his way of expressing love.

January 16, 2010 at 8:48 AM  
Blogger Looney said...

I believe you :)

I just don't understand it...

January 18, 2010 at 3:48 PM  

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