Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Tortoise

two tears fell, one from each eye
tracking slowly down her face
is there ever any getting away from it
i had no reason to doubt her


When I loved Lowlife as a young man, I did not know they would be the soundtrack for my loneliness. I kissed my children and left them in the yard. I looked at Naughtyman, sitting on his own as I left. Am I imagining sadness in his eyes, or am I seeing my own reflected? I do not think I am making them sad though. I try not to.

They are beautiful and fragile, more like spun crystal than jewels. I know I haven't held them close enough, and now they are slipping away. They will join all the other broken things in my life, piled up in the corner, not quite out of sight.

what i'd seen was honesty and good intent
what i'd felt was loneliness, distance
what it all comes down to is this
be careful where you take this
be careful where you take this
bittersweet


I don't feel any resentment. I just feel defeated. I feel my wheels spinning, endlessly turning, and I will never drive out of here.

No one will want to give me a tow. Who would? I have become old, heavy, ponderous and useless to everyone. I am like an old Camry, rusted, leaking oil, and everyone has something newer, something faster, something better cared for. And what good does it do to say no one cared for me? I didn't care for myself and now I am a tortoise stuck on his back, his legs uselessly milling in the air. I keep thinking I should be strong enough to flip myself upright, but it seems my muscles have atrophied, if I ever had them.

Is a tortoise on its back unhappy? Is it focused on its unhappiness? These concepts are not even real. It is only concerned with how quickly it will starve.

2 Comments:

Blogger Don said...

I cannot imagine.

My father tried once to tell me how it felt, to move away from the home where lived his little boys. But he failed miserably, communicating only his self-doubt, and inability to face it. I don't think his heart was capable of grasping what it was doing.

There is no parallel in terms of causes, I'm just trying to say you send words beautifully from where it is really felt, and I guess I was first struck by the contrast.

December 15, 2009 at 1:25 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Your children will never be piled up in the corner, not quite out of site.

December 17, 2009 at 6:52 AM  

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