Wednesday, December 23, 2009


I have become tiny and that's sad. You wouldn't think I was tiny if you saw me. I look quite big. But I am almost entirely negligible. I have to work incredibly hard to be salient in anyone's life. Everywhere I look, I see people who are meaningful in other people's lives, and I know there are people who are meaningful in mine, but I am minuscule. I don't know why I even bother writing a blog. I am pretty much impossible to care for.

I am at home again, another night. I don't have anywhere else to go. I arranged to go to the pub with M. He said, are we going to the pub? I said, I am just going to the toilet and will be ready to go. When I was finished in the toilet, he had turned on the TV and started doing his ironing. Most of me doesn't mind. I am too small for anyone to bother telling me they changed their mind about doing something with me. The rest of me is making me cry though. I wish I could kill that part. It is terrible to want to be loved when there is not enough of you for anyone to love. But it's tough because it's the part that doesn't want to give up. I couldn't say anything to him. I am way too small to impose on anyone like that. I guess he will read this. It's pretty sad when a blog is the only way you can feel safe enough to express yourself, but that is who I am.

I am even small for my kids. A couple of weeks ago, Naughtyman said, I don't care whether you come round. I realised I must have done a lot wrong for him to say that, but I'm not really sure what. I know, kids say shit. But this was unprovoked. I feel like I worked pretty hard to make Mrs Zen central in my kids' lives, I pushed her into that role, and all the time I was digging my own grave.

Maybe I misunderstand it all. I am mostly bewildered by how my life has turned out, and how people are to me. I am the sort of person who must have an understandable world. I suppose it's a mental disorder: I cannot accept that the world just is what it is and spins indifferent to me. I am self-centred enough to think that it will reward me for goodness and punish me for badness. Of course I know it doesn't really care -- rationally I know that -- but it's a lot harder to live in an impersonal world. It's why we invented a god to care about us.

Oh well. One foot in front of the other. This time of year always did get me down. At the end of the year, you're reminded how little you've done that year. It makes loneliness so much worse not to have Christmas parties, not even a work function, to go to. And a new year is not a time of renewed hope when you have no hope to renew. Well, merry Christmas anyway, hey?


Blogger Don said...

At the end of the year, you're reminded how little you've done that year.

Christmas focuses on all the ways I fail as a patriarch. It's a false and pointless holiday. The cheer is contrived out of rich Northern European foods and drink and the gathering of what's left of family -- which for me this year isn't much.

Turn it back into a Yule with bonfires and booze and half-naked cross-dressed dancing with presents for children and new girlfriends and I'll be back on board.

Anyway. I'm sure N'man was parroting his mom in some way. They do that.

Get through. The new year can be what you make it. (Right, listen to me.)

December 24, 2009 at 10:42 AM  
Blogger Grapes 2.0 said...

A couple of weeks ago, Naughtyman said, I don't care whether you come round.

He didn't mean he doesn't care. He meant "Don't make this a point of contention".

December 24, 2009 at 12:26 PM  
Blogger Dr Zen said...

He didn't use those exact words. The exact words meant I don't care whether you come round.

December 24, 2009 at 12:28 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm sure he does care, very, very much, and he may even feel that it's in some way his fault, so telling you he doesn't care is his way of trying not to hurt so much over it. He's too young to be able to understand what he's feeling over his father not living with him any more. Your response should be, "But I care very, very much about getting the chance to see you because I love you and I miss you and I'm sorry your mommy and me just can't be together any more." He needs reassurance. He needs to know, to feel, that he's loved.

Just like you do.


December 25, 2009 at 6:48 AM  

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