Wednesday, April 2, 2008

flower

i am so lonely.

do you ever have days that you think no one is like you? well, no one is like me. on a bright clear day i am proud of that. but it's a foolish thing to love yourself for. because rewards don't flow to the obscured.

i have no one to laugh with.

i have no one i can even talk to. i am withering like a flower unplucked. i have no one to share anything with. i feel like i will drown and no one will have even noticed i was in the water.

i have no one to tell about my misfortunes, and they are killing me.

i want to let it go. i want to drift away. i want to leave this coast and see where i wash up. i do not want to be chained.

i am my own jailer though; i know it. no one of us is any different.

did you ever feel you wanted to step through a mirror and be laughing in the sun?

did you ever feel you were six million steps from your next laugh?

did you ever feel that not feeling would be better?

i have no one to tell about my misfortunes, because they are nothing, not even a story. suburban man has life of quiet desperation; not a headline, nothing to report. but i still feel as though i could touch you.

i feel as though i could reach out and touch you, a touch so tender you would forget all the other times you had been touched, and would live from then on for another touch the same. i feel as though i could lift you up, enrich you, paint gold in the cracks of your life.

but what can i do? fester in a basement in a quiet road in a quiet suburb of a town where everyone's in bed by ten. i feel a pain in my side and i say, if it's cancer, i lose, but if it's cancer i have an excuse to just let go. and i don't know what i'm saying but what i'm saying is killing me too.

what can i do? if i knew, i'd do it. i'd be doing it if i knew it. it breaks my heart to have no good choices, but what do you do when your heart is already broken?

I have a picture; it recurs. I dreamed it and I see it in the day. It is a flower, maybe a rose, maybe a tulip, I'm not sure and it doesn't matter. There is a single tear, or a drop of water, a drop of water, maybe a tear, sliding down the inside, into the cup. That is it. That is all there is.

9 Comments:

Anonymous Arleen said...

did you ever feel that not feeling would be better?

yes.

April 2, 2008 at 11:31 PM  
Anonymous Father Luke said...

hemingway blew his brains out because
he forgot how to laugh.

Go here: http://haha.nu/creative/creative-photos-by-chema-madoz
and laugh.

double dare you...

- -
Okay,
Father Luke

April 3, 2008 at 2:47 AM  
Anonymous ruth said...

I think that is why a lot of us blog - because we feel lonely. I know that's the main reason I blog.

Hope you hang in there alright.

April 3, 2008 at 5:10 PM  
Anonymous Pay said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

April 3, 2008 at 8:48 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

April 3, 2008 at 9:50 PM  
Anonymous Dr Zen said...

The policy of this blog is to delete illiterate trolling without comment.

April 4, 2008 at 9:17 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

So be it -- you don't like spoonerisms or puns. Dear Dr. Zen, I only come to read your blog when I'm down in the dumps (quite often).... it's reassuring for me to know I'm not alone in that darkness (even if I think I am). Life is a shitty thing to live through. That's all there is to understand. One or two minutes of happiness versus hours/days/months/years of struggle. I'm learning to make the most of those minutes -- to remember those minutes -- to try and make those minutes happen as often as I can. I'm not an author -- so what? I don't use punctuation in the *supposedly* correct manner -- so what? Surely if I write, aren't I a writer?
That's rhetorical... unlike others, I don't need approval or recognition. I have principles and I stick to them and I'm proud of that... without that I doubt I'd get up and breathe every day.

I enjoy your blog and didn't mean to offend... and I just hope you managed to read this comment to the end before you deleted it.

April 4, 2008 at 5:41 PM  
Anonymous Dr Zen said...

Sorry, that wasn't directed at you, but I can see why you'd think it was. The posts I deleted have disappeared, so you don't know that they were there. Your comments are very welcome. My apologies for the misunderstanding.

April 4, 2008 at 6:01 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Guess who feels like a complete idiot now? I thought you were being nice and giving me a sort of First Warning before Eviction... thanks for being even nicer and clearing things up for me... from now on, I think I'll just stick to reading -- it's less risky (for me) ;-)

April 4, 2008 at 9:25 PM  

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