Wednesday, April 2, 2008


i am so lonely.

do you ever have days that you think no one is like you? well, no one is like me. on a bright clear day i am proud of that. but it's a foolish thing to love yourself for. because rewards don't flow to the obscured.

i have no one to laugh with.

i have no one i can even talk to. i am withering like a flower unplucked. i have no one to share anything with. i feel like i will drown and no one will have even noticed i was in the water.

i have no one to tell about my misfortunes, and they are killing me.

i want to let it go. i want to drift away. i want to leave this coast and see where i wash up. i do not want to be chained.

i am my own jailer though; i know it. no one of us is any different.

did you ever feel you wanted to step through a mirror and be laughing in the sun?

did you ever feel you were six million steps from your next laugh?

did you ever feel that not feeling would be better?

i have no one to tell about my misfortunes, because they are nothing, not even a story. suburban man has life of quiet desperation; not a headline, nothing to report. but i still feel as though i could touch you.

i feel as though i could reach out and touch you, a touch so tender you would forget all the other times you had been touched, and would live from then on for another touch the same. i feel as though i could lift you up, enrich you, paint gold in the cracks of your life.

but what can i do? fester in a basement in a quiet road in a quiet suburb of a town where everyone's in bed by ten. i feel a pain in my side and i say, if it's cancer, i lose, but if it's cancer i have an excuse to just let go. and i don't know what i'm saying but what i'm saying is killing me too.

what can i do? if i knew, i'd do it. i'd be doing it if i knew it. it breaks my heart to have no good choices, but what do you do when your heart is already broken?

I have a picture; it recurs. I dreamed it and I see it in the day. It is a flower, maybe a rose, maybe a tulip, I'm not sure and it doesn't matter. There is a single tear, or a drop of water, a drop of water, maybe a tear, sliding down the inside, into the cup. That is it. That is all there is.


Anonymous Arleen said...

did you ever feel that not feeling would be better?


April 2, 2008 at 11:31 PM  
Anonymous Father Luke said...

hemingway blew his brains out because
he forgot how to laugh.

Go here:
and laugh.

double dare you...

- -
Father Luke

April 3, 2008 at 2:47 AM  
Anonymous ruth said...

I think that is why a lot of us blog - because we feel lonely. I know that's the main reason I blog.

Hope you hang in there alright.

April 3, 2008 at 5:10 PM  
Anonymous Pay said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

April 3, 2008 at 8:48 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

April 3, 2008 at 9:50 PM  
Anonymous Dr Zen said...

The policy of this blog is to delete illiterate trolling without comment.

April 4, 2008 at 9:17 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

So be it -- you don't like spoonerisms or puns. Dear Dr. Zen, I only come to read your blog when I'm down in the dumps (quite often).... it's reassuring for me to know I'm not alone in that darkness (even if I think I am). Life is a shitty thing to live through. That's all there is to understand. One or two minutes of happiness versus hours/days/months/years of struggle. I'm learning to make the most of those minutes -- to remember those minutes -- to try and make those minutes happen as often as I can. I'm not an author -- so what? I don't use punctuation in the *supposedly* correct manner -- so what? Surely if I write, aren't I a writer?
That's rhetorical... unlike others, I don't need approval or recognition. I have principles and I stick to them and I'm proud of that... without that I doubt I'd get up and breathe every day.

I enjoy your blog and didn't mean to offend... and I just hope you managed to read this comment to the end before you deleted it.

April 4, 2008 at 5:41 PM  
Anonymous Dr Zen said...

Sorry, that wasn't directed at you, but I can see why you'd think it was. The posts I deleted have disappeared, so you don't know that they were there. Your comments are very welcome. My apologies for the misunderstanding.

April 4, 2008 at 6:01 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Guess who feels like a complete idiot now? I thought you were being nice and giving me a sort of First Warning before Eviction... thanks for being even nicer and clearing things up for me... from now on, I think I'll just stick to reading -- it's less risky (for me) ;-)

April 4, 2008 at 9:25 PM  

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