Thursday, April 12, 2007


Why am I getting all these messages telling me I need a bigger dick?

What is wrong with my dick? Who's been talking? I want to know. Because surely my dick is private, between me and you, not something you just talk about? Tell me you don't! Ladies, please, tell me you don't. And if you are, what exactly are you saying? Who's been saying it's not big enough? I need to know, because that's someone who needs putting straight on a few things. I don't remember anyone's complaining at the time. What kind of low hypocrite says to your face that your dick is all the dick they need, but then behind your back tells everyone that yeah, it could have been a bit bigger?

And anyway, would I get more chicks if I had a bigger dick? Why? How would they know? Do women have dicksize sensors? When they see us in the street, do they go "hmmm, six inches" and "oh my lord, a tenner"?

Are they even that keen on bigness? Has someone done a study, proving a correlation between size of dick and number of chicks pulled?

I asked Mrs Zen whether I'd get more sex if I had a bigger dick, and she flat denied it. Is she lying? Would she put out more if I had another inch?

What exactly is the proportion? I want to know the chicks-per-inch figure, because the guys who are promising me a bigger dick want money. I want to know the value per chick of the pills they're offering. I have a figure in mind per chick that I would pay. Not per inch, because I don't want the inches in and of themselves. I have enough cock for my own purposes. Any more would just be, like, extra skin and stuff. Only if they bring me more chicks.

You know what worries me? I've been reading that soy makes your dick shrink. I may have lost half an inch given all the tofu, TVP and other soy products I've got through in recent years.

How much sex has that cost me!?


Anonymous theminotaur said...

What you need is big hands. It's surprising how many women believe there's a correlation.

April 12, 2007 at 5:17 PM  
Anonymous Dr Zen said...

LOL! I'm quite a big guy so my hands are absolutely big, but they're relatively no more than proportionate.

But curious you should mention it, because more than one woman has asked me online how big my hands are.

I suppose you cannot hide the size of your hands. They're, erm, out, aren't they? Feet are difficult to judge if you're wearing boots or something, but hands are... there.

April 12, 2007 at 5:22 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

boots sez:

Be grateful you don't need a hosereel to wind the fucker up and jam it into your jeans.

Soy really is... well, not necessarily bad for you, but fuckall in the taste department, even shitassed kelp has more taste than soy. Give me a nice slimey greaseburger anytime, I'm a shitload healthier now than I was after a few years of a vegan diet. Fucksake, it's been almost 30 years since I was a vegan and I still can't look a salad in the eye unless it's full of shrimp or something. Each to his own I s'pose.

April 12, 2007 at 6:11 PM  
Anonymous Dr Zen said...

Actually, as I think I've mentioned, my ethical basis for not eating meat has sort of slipped, so now I find myself thinking about beef stew way more than is healthy for a vegetarian.

April 12, 2007 at 6:15 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

boots sez:

I must've missed your mention of that.

I went vegan primarily for health reasons, my ethical "reasons" were more "uncertainties" than reasons.

It was after the birth of our youngest that I began questioning my choice of a vegan diet. Should we feed a baby animal products, or not? I looked at my own health, my conscience, and decided that I didn't know. Figured if the kid turns it away, that answers the question, kids have an instinct for what's "good", at least as babies.

And then, as for myself, I got gawdawful sick of the vegan diet, and of the time and effort of examing every fucking product label and finding 98% of them (at least then) had some animal product in them.

Fuck it sez me, I have better things to do than fret over it. I took it seriously for long enough to realize that I was taking it too seriously. People have free will, but there are only so many edible things on the planet and I'm for a bit of variety.

Poverty, now that can really fuck with your diet. About 5 years ago we'd go out several times a week, get steak or lobster or snow-crab or whatever suited us. Drooling to think about it.

April 12, 2007 at 10:09 PM  
Anonymous Sour Grapes said...

"Why am I getting all these messages telling me I need a bigger dick?"

Maybe it's cuz your behaviour here shows you're a poor little boy with a small dick? Just guessing now.

April 13, 2007 at 2:22 AM  
Anonymous P. said...

What you need is big hands

I always thought it was feet. Or a big nose. If they have all three, chances are you're fucking Ronald McDonald.

Afaic, if you're worried about a conquest's girth of organ, it's either because he is so completely devoid of anything else remotely capable of pleasuring you (and, like dur - dick size is the least of your worries), or you've given birth to fourteen 12lb babies and could use the fillage just so you know it happened.

April 13, 2007 at 6:13 AM  
Anonymous Dr Zen said...

My behaviour here? Dad, is that you?

April 13, 2007 at 8:58 AM  
Anonymous theminotaur said...

Really if you want a lot of chicks what you need is a lot of money. I mean, look at Donald Trump. He's a goddamn troll, and yet he has a supermodel wife, plus all of the Miss America pageant. If it were just because of dick size, his cock would have to be taller than his hotel.

April 13, 2007 at 9:22 AM  
Anonymous Sour Grapes said...

No, I'm not your Dad. He probably refrained from telling you you're a dick.

April 13, 2007 at 11:58 AM  
Anonymous Dr Zen said...

You're right. My dad has his faults but being a whiny prick isn't one of them.

April 13, 2007 at 12:03 PM  
Anonymous Vics said...

LMAO - if it's inches in length they're offering then they're the ones trying to screw you *grin* always go for girth..

April 14, 2007 at 8:20 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

boots sez:

somebody sed, "Really if you want a lot of chicks what you need is a lot of money."

If you want to buy chicks, there be them what will be bought. Bill Gates is married and I'd be real surprised if that was because of his winning personality or his pecker.

But hey, if you want to rent it, there are plenty who'll be upfront about renting it to you, no need to take out a mortgage and be prepared to hire a lawyer, or even to deceive yourself about the situation.

Guys always think getting chicks is something they do, it shows they know fuckall about the process. If you want chicks, what you need to realize is that unless they think it's been their idea from the go, you're wasting your time. The way to get a chick who'll fulfill all your fantasies is simply to require that your fantasies about each stage of the process be fulfilled before you permit the process to move on to the next stage. Without bullshitting or bluffing. Prollem is, guys are usually wanters. Try playing poker when you're so desperate to win that you're drooling, mebbe applying that will change your luck.

All of life is a courtship, and you can be a beggar or a prince. Try some experiments or some observations, the guys who get chicks are the ones with a flashing neon sign over their heads that says "I don't need".

April 14, 2007 at 5:01 PM  
Anonymous Dr Zen said...

boots, if you weren't already married, you'd never get laid.

Having said that though, I *am* already married, and I never get laid.

April 14, 2007 at 5:06 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

boots sez:

What, you think my wife married a virgin?

Fucksake, I'm 58 years old and never was very good looking, and I still have young chickies hitting on me once in a while.

They prolly just like to flirt with old men because they're safe, yeah, thassit. Well, I am safe, because I'm married. Also, because Mrs Boots is a territorial woman and carries a knife. [grin]

You wanna get laid? Stop giving a shit.

No, really.

April 14, 2007 at 7:29 PM  
Anonymous Dr Zen said...

Does being past caring count?

April 14, 2007 at 7:38 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

boots sez:

Sure it counts; question is, are you *really* past caring, or just trying to feel that way. If you were really past caring, you prolly wouldn't have written the original post as you did, eh?

The generally accepted view is that the male should be the initiator of sexual activity. It's false. It stems from the fear-based pre-emptive defense mechanism of the insecure male. If one believed in such things as intelligent design, it could be seen as a very elegant mechanism for the long-term weeding-out of fearful males -- they defend before they need to, they take the sexual initiative, they don't get laid. Unfortunately society is fear-based and thus fucked to the gills.

Doubtless you will consider this horseshit. Yeah, whatever.

A while back, Mrs Boots and I were sitting in the post office parking lot after mailing a package. There were half a dozen donkeys in a nearby field. Suddenly one of them laid its ears back, began braying loudly, and running toward another one. I thought damn, a donkey fight! The agressor reached the other donkey, turned around and presented herself to be mounted, which she promptly was. Hints from nature innit.

Men are afraid of not getting laid. They're afraid it means they're worthless. They're afraid of blueballs. They're afraid of all sorts of shit. Spineless fuckers need to screw up the courage to roll over and give up on trying to force things to happen.

If you exist and there's a woman around who wants you, she'll hit on you and things will proceed as they do. It is her choice to want you, it is your choice to accept her advances or politely decline. I warn you though, if you're monogamous you may find it quite conflicting to have to decline the advances of certain women, there are things purely biological at work.

As I've mentioned before, all of life contains this courtship mechanism. It works with occurrence, not just women. I suggested quite some time ago that you carefully monitor your emotions during poker. That was met with ridicule. I expect the same response here.

Bottom line is, if you were as wise as you wish to think yourself, you'd not be horny and money would be a nonissue. You're smarter than hell, no doubt about that. Even the language contains clues, we say "I got laid" not "I laid someone", showing that when successful we are not the active party. Really, I respect you enough not to put you on.

April 14, 2007 at 9:24 PM  

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