Friday, September 12, 2003

Up in smoke

First you look so strong,
Then you fade away.
The sun will blind my eyes,
I love you anyway.
First you form a smile,
I watch you for a while.
You are a vapour trail,
In a deep blue sky.

Tremble with a sigh,
Glitter in your eye.
You seem to come and go,
I never seem to know.
And all my time,
is yours as much as mine.
We never have enough,
Time to show our love.
Ride - Vapour trail

Music uplifts me. It inspires me. The only people in this world I even begin to be envious of are people who can make music. I can program a sequencer - and I do - but I can never place the music in my head on to paper. The music I do make is technically correct, but it doesn't have my heart in it. Sometimes it sounds to me quite heartful, but I know it's lacking.
Does it matter that I know? Surely it only matters what it sounds like. Doesn't the birth of the listener mean the death of the musician?
"Vapour trail" is one of the life-defining songs for me. It's meaning for me is all about me. When Ride made it, nearly thirteen years ago, I needed it. I needed to feel that there were people out there that *felt*. That sounds a little silly, soft, now, but you can't help what you feel when you're a scared young man in a bad place. It never mattered to me who Ride were - although I knew they were middle-class boys from Oxford with nice homes and daddy's money -definedly not like me. What mattered was the way Vapour trail made me feel. I couldn't explain it. Words fail me. But I could hum it.
Now, my life is different. I recently bought the Best of Ride CD (because I had the albums on vinyl, and all my vinyl was sort of stolen) and when I played it I realised it still made me feel inspired, but quite differently. It sounded like something I feel about Zenella, about my aspirations for her. Jeez, I haven't grown any less ridiculous with the passing years.
But, you know, Vapour trail is still a beautiful song, and if it moves you I can love you, but if it doesn't, I'm not sure I ever really could.

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